Line up for IPObankruptcy.com IPO

Cash in on the latest business trend: dot-com bankruptcies

By: K.K.Campbell

  Psst. Buddy.
  Ya you. Reading this. C'mere. A little closer.
  Wanna sizzling-hot Internet business tip?
  Well-ll-ll, I can let ya in on the next Dot-Com wave, my friend. Alls you have to do is promise to read my column every week. That's it. Such a deal. Sign here. Thank you.
  Okay. Here it is. Put all your money in my new IPO. It's called IPObankruptcy.com. That's right. I'm looking for investors to help me take public my "Dot-Com company that helps Dot-Com companies go through bankruptcy courts."
 

Of course, we will pay most of the staff with stock options and starry-eyed promises and use the funds mainly to buy million dollar TV ads during the Super Bowl

  We are talking big bucks, here, my friend. We just need the investment money to hire a few dozen crack trustees and lawyers - and a few techies to lock things down when the Chapter 11 Dot-Com squirms and tries to do sneaky things like transfer domain names to other corporations, etc. (And me, of course, with a Dot-Com salary of a couple million for coming up with the idea.)
  Of course, we will pay most of the staff with stock options and starry-eyed promises and use the funds mainly to buy million dollar TV ads during the Super Bowl. But you can read all that in my Dot-Com business plan.
  Right around the time the Nasdaq stock market ­ home to most Dot-Com stocks ­ peaked in March, Pegasus Research International released a study of 207 publicly traded Internet companies. There are 371 publicly traded US Internet companies.
  The research piece was commissioned by Barron's magazine (www.barrons.com).
 

Guess what? By March 2001, at least 51 Internet companies will run out of cash! Isn't that wonderful?!

  It measured the cash reserves of those 207 Dot-Coms against the "normalized operational losses" and mapped out when each one will fail. Guess what? By March 2001, at least 51 Internet companies will run out of cash! Isn't that wonderful?!
  And, when they run out of cash, they only have three options: Get more investment money, sell, or close their doors. Here at DotComBankruptcy.com, we are rooting for the latter option.
  Many don't have a chance of raising more money. All those "big bang stock launches" you've continually read about the last year or two are actually turning out to be a curse because those "big bangs" have created unreasonable expectations on company performance. If you've seen eToys up at $80, and it's now at $12, who gets excited if it hits $15? These depressed share prices turn off potential new investors.
  It's a vicious circle many of these companies can't break out of.
  The study predicts some Dot-Com companies will burn out in 2000 - like CDNow, Secure Computing Corp., drkoop.com, Peapod.
  Peapod and drkoop.com have been exhibiting signs of imminent death for many weeks.
 

At drkoop.com's IPO last June, it raised $88.5 million. The stock opened at $36 a share. Now it's wallowing under the $2 mark.

  Peapod is an online grocery shopping site. Despite doing something like $70 million in sales last year, it doesn't have any cash.
  Drkoop.com is a health site branded under the legendary American Surgeon General from the 80s, C. Everett Koop. At its IPO last June, it raised $88.5 million. The stock opened at $36 a share. Now it's wallowing under the $2 mark.
  DotComBankruptcy.com is too late to transport the good Doctor's site to the funeral home. But there's still plenty of upside for us! Of the 207 companies researched, 74% have negative cash flows!
  And there are bigger customers out there than Dr. K. According to the Pegasus study, Healtheon.com, eToys.com, BarnesandNoble.com and Digital Island's cash reserves will be depleted in 2001 - unless they can finally start earning more money than they spend. Even Amazon.com only has about 20 months' worth of cash left.
  So, don't delay in contacting me about this exciting opportunity. There are others out there already thinking about it. Washington, D.C. Law Firm Brown & Wood is predicting a boom in Chapter 11 services. Investor's Business Daily ran an article this month quoting one of its attorneys. He sells the concept pretty damn good. Listen to this sales pitch:
  "Dot-Coms with (valuable) infrastructure or intellectual property may want to use bankruptcy to market their assets. Intellectual property could consist of unique online sales or customer service technology that these firms use."
  Doesn't that sound great, all you Dot-Com CEOs out there? "Fear not Chapter 11, embrace it."
  (Indeed, that is actually a line from our Dot-Com Book of the Dead, which opens with the lines: "Turn off your site, relax and float down stream. It is not dying. It is not dying." DotComBankruptcy.com is co-writing it with TibetanMonks.com. Copyright will be vigorously defended by our lawyers ­ once you give me the investment money to hire them.)
  A second hot Dot-Com start-up idea will be to set up something like DotComRepoServices.com ­ to help efficiently repossess all those yachts and Jags and mansions Dot-Com CEOs will have to give back when the loans against their deflated stock are called in. I am willing to sell this domain name for $100,000 US.
  Meanwhile, investors can contact me at kkc@kkc.net.

Originally appeared in the Toronto Star Fast Forward section, where K.K. Campbell is a columnist.

Chapter 11 Never Knows © IPObankruptcy.com Turn off your site, relax, and float down stream. It is not dying. It is not dying. Lay off all staff, surrender to the court. It is shining. It is shining. That you may see the meaning of trustees. It is being, it is being. That IPO is all, and IPO is everyone. It is knowing. It is knowing. That daytraders and brokers may mourn the dead. It is believing. It is believing. Don't listen to the biz plan of your dreams. It is not living. It is not living. All play the game Dot-Com to the end. Of the beginning. Of the beginning. Of the beginning. Of the beginning. Of the beginning. Of the beginning. Of the beginning. Of the beginning. (With apologies to the Beatles' "Tomorrow Never Knows")

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