Schoolyard violence: part of the new Ontario curriculum?

Violence at school can be traumatic for kids and parents, but there are ways to take action

By: Pam FitzGerald

  Do you ever feel that it may be safer to send your kid into a minefield rather than to school? If so, you're not alone. Many parents look at the violence in today's schools and shudder. All too many of us experience it first-hand.
  I received a nonchalant call from the school one morning in mid-November saying that my nine-year-old, Gabriel, had been kicked in the head and would I come get him. It had taken school officials 30 minutes to call me and by the time I phoned the family doctor and reached the school, over an hour had passed. Gabriel was white as a ghost and had a bruise in the middle of his forehead. As it turned out, he had been pushed to the ground by an older boy and stomped on the forehead by another boy, who is a year or so younger than my son. Gabriel hardly knew this second boy. He wasn't in a fight with him. This boy simply saw an opportunity to inflict pain and did so.
  At the time of the incident there was only one teacher on duty for a very large school yard where there are normally three. Cutbacks to the education budget mean there is less money available to hire lunchroom and school yard attendants.
 

For one parent, it seemed the schools were more afraid of a lawsuit from the perpetrator's parents than from the parents of the victim

  I had been told by the family doctor to wait a couple of hours to see if Gabriel's symptoms would clear up. This gave me time to observe Gabe, do a bit of reading on head injuries, and reflect on senseless violence. Thinking back, I might also have used this time to start a journal or call the police. A journal allows you to give accurate information to a physician about changes in your child's condition and may be used if you have to go to court on your child's behalf.
  I wasn't keen to get the police involved but I did file a police report. Even though youth under 12 can't be charged, police often have contact with schools and will follow-up on a violent incident.
  Parents of other children who went through similar situations give differing advice on how best to proceed. This advice varies because of the kids involved; their ages, backgrounds and the type of violence are unique in each case. None of the parents I spoke to received much support from school officials. For one parent, it seemed the schools were more afraid of a lawsuit from the perpetrator's parents than from the parents of the victim. This was the way I felt as the principal did not respond to my questions and repeatedly cited the privacy rights of the perpetrator as her rationale. I was told that a school social worker and psychologist would be available to assist the perpetrator, but, at least initially, no resources were made available to help my son. Gabe's father and I were also made to feel that we were somehow wrong in expressing our concerns and requiring answers about our son's future safety.
  I've spoken with several parents who have been in the same situation, who told me that the parents of the perpetrators are often in denial. They cannot believe their offspring can possibly do any wrong. Parents of these kids will often hire lawyers to go after the schools. They try to keep their kids' records clean and try to keep them out of court. It's not surprising that these kids learn from their parents' behaviour not to take responsibility for the injury and pain they've inflicted.
 

Nine year-old Gabriel still needs help from people like his dad, Evert, to walk down the school stairs.

  Common sensitivity to the pain of others tells us this is not a humane way to proceed. But since this is the path of least resistance, do not be surprised if this is just the response you encounter. Parents of victims are too overwhelmed looking after their child's medical needs to raise much of a fuss. On two occasions, we ended up at the emergency ward of the hospital when Gabriel was suffering from terrible headaches. He has seen 10 doctors and medical specialists to date, has had a CT scan and is scheduled to go through more tests later this month. Gabriel fell at least twice daily for a month from the effects of dizziness, couldn't read for over a month and still can't keep his balance on stairs.
  After writing five letters to school officials and receiving either a courtesy response or no response whatsoever, I decided it was time to take legal action. It can cost $5,000 to commence a civil suit and court costs can cause the bill to go even higher. Of course, these costs scare most parents of victims away from taking legal action on behalf of their child. School officials know they can afford to wait out the parents of victims.
 

I find it ironic, to say the least, that this boy only got the testing he needed after he stomped on my son's forehead

  There are other avenues we can effectively pursue to protect our children. All of them take time and effort. Some may initially seem ineffective, but for the sake of all our children and ourselves, it is important not to sit by the sidelines. Here's a quick list of some ideas. I'd appreciate hearing your experiences and what worked for you.

• If your school's vice-principal and principal don't respond, go over their heads by contacting the superintendent responsible for your school. If you still don't have success, go even higher in the bureaucracy and tell anyone who will listen -- the director of education, the social worker for the school, other parents, the parents' council, the trustee. It's better to sleep at night knowing that your child can be safe at school than to win a popularity contest.
• If you're afraid that the perpetrator may take revenge, ask to have him transferred to another school. Your child should not have to run away from violence by changing schools.
• Phone the police. Although kids under 12 years of age cannot be charged, it is important for your child to be given a chance to air their grievances. While your child may relive the pain of the situation while retelling the incident, remember the story will have to be retold to school officials. Try to make recounting the incident positive for your child by giving them a sense of purpose. Explain that the pain they experience in recounting the incident may help prevent similar pain to a friend or another child someday.
• Give your child the time and space to express their feelings about the incident, particularly anger, without judgement. Suggest your child write a letter or draw a picture expressing their feelings toward the perpetrator -- just make sure none of your child's friends see the finished product.
• Insist that everyone involved attend a mediation session. This gives you and your child the opportunity to express the hardship you've had to deal with. It also allows you to ensure that the perpetrator and his parents are taking the incident seriously and gives them a chance to express remorse directly to you and your child. As well, it lets you question the parents about follow-up and precautions for preventing another occurrence. Finally, it facilitates healing on both sides. Try to approach this session free of anger so as not to create defensiveness and more discord. For your peace of mind, you want to ensure your message is heard and your child's future safety is assured.
• Forgive yourself for shortcomings in failing to meet your child's needs. Forgive the perpetrator and their parents for both their sake and yours. There are many causes of violence, some beyond the control of parents. For example, if the child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or another disability, the parent may not be able to easily control the child's behaviour. Similarly, if the child has formerly experienced abuse, s/he often will respond by being abusive. Forgiveness does not mean resignation. The parents of the perpetrator and the school are now fully aware of this child's problems and they must take responsibility to try to prevent another occurrence. Violent behavior is often learned and it can also be unlearned.
• Help to set up a safe school committee at your school. No doubt there are other parents who would welcome the chance to do something constructive to prevent violence. One mother, whose child was hurt by a gang of older boys, did not go to the police for fear of retaliation. Instead she worked with school officials at both the school and school board levels to help curb violence.
• Go to the media. Violence in schools is a hot topic today. You may find sympathetic reporters who are willing to tell your story.
• Become active in your community in curbing violence among kids. Encourage your municipal politicians to offer sport, employment and recreational opportunities for youth.
• Turn off violent TV shows and decrease their ratings. Studies on the effects of violent programming are mixed at best. While a child in a loving home may not be affected by TV violence, children in abusive circumstances may have their violent streaks reinforced by watching violent shows.

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